Needing Someone
by polynesia
Summary: It's been so many years since Kouran died...and Chichiri can't be expected to remain alone forever.TasxChi


Disclaimer: I own no bishounen. Sadly. sobs

A/N: This story is decidedly Tas/Chi. If ya don' like it, TOUGH. Also, I wrote most of this fic between 12 and 4 am. I'm willing to bet that there are some continuity errors, but I just don't have the energy to deal right now. If there are any HUGE errors, I'll be sure to fix them...

Another note is that I mention Reirei in this story. She is a character from Genrou Den (Tasuki's character novel). If you are extremely curious, then go read the translation online. Otherwise, just know that she was a girl who fell in love with Tasuki before he met the other seishi, though he never realized that until she died. She was absolutely wonderful...

Finally, this fic is dedicated to two people. One, Suzaku, because I ruined his dreams of Tas/Chi-ness in my other fic which I swear I will soon work on, no da. Two, my friend Ahou-chan. She hates fics where Kouran and Reirei are simply forgotten. And so, for her benefit, one in which they are not.

* * *

"Kouran."  
  
It was an old habit of Chichiri's, talking to her. At first he'd done it out of grief, but over time it had just become...almost routine. He was even starting to sense signs of being heard, but he just attributed that to his cruel imagination.  
  
He leaned back against the wall and plucked at the covers of the bed he was sitting on. The inn he and Tasuki were staying in had thankfully had a room with two beds, and the innkeeper had only been too happy to give it to the two remaining seishi. After all, they were probably the most important guests he had ever or would ever have.  
  
"It's a nice night...even Tasuki-kun has calmed down, and that's saying something!" he said with a light chuckle, he 'no da's conspicuously absent. They just never seemed necessary with Kouran...  
  
"Speaking of Tasuki, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. I--well, he--but--" Chichiri broke off with a sigh. Even though she wasn't really there, he still couldn't tell her about his feelings. He'd just gotten Tasuki to leave him alone for awhile too! Why couldn't he just tell her?  
  
"Kouran, I've told you about Tasuki before... He has so much emotion that it just spills over into everyone else...and then you feel almost connected to him. I _do_ feel connected to him...in fact... In fact... Kouran, I think I love him."  
  
There was a pause as he let that sink in. He had never admitted it to himself before...  
  
Chichiri took a deep breath and forced himself to continue, "It's not that I don't love you anymore, Kouran. It's just that...it's just that I've been so lonely for so long... There have been so many times that I've felt like just dying. I want to share my life with someone, Kouran. I _need_ to share my life with someone. Please understand that..."  
  
And wouldn't you know it, he thought she did.

* * *

Tasuki stood stock-still in the hallway, trying to ease the shaking in his limbs. He knew that eavesdropping was wrong, especially after Chichiri had expressly told him that he needed alone time, but he was a _bandit_, for Suzaku's sake! What did Chichiri expect?  
  
He leaned an arm against the door separating them, noting with some disgust that the hand holding him up was still trembling slightly.  
  
'So...Chichiri loves me? Me? Why the fuck...?" he thought, his mind totally scattered. He would've pulled a Kouji and spoken aloud to himself, but he didn't want to alert Chichiri to his presence.  
  
'But he's...but... But 'Chiri's on a totally different level than me, damn it! He's old, and wise, and quiet, and calm, and controlled, and drop dead sexy... Why isn' he makin' out with some chick like that, who could understand him an' all 'a his little weirdlets? I know I sure as hell can't... What does he fuckin' SEE in me? Have I fooled 'im that much? What'm I gonna do when he finds out? Dear Suzaku, what'm I gonna do PERIOD?' he thought, his thoughts bouncing around the inside of his head like some deranged game of Pong.  
  
After about ten minutes of fretting, which makes us wonder just what Chichiri was DOING in there for so long, Tasuki finally came to his big decision. He decided to do nothing. Aaabo-posi-lutely nothing. 'Maybe...maybe I should just go down to dinner and wait for him...yeah, I think I will. And maybe I should have some sake to loosen up! Yosh! Let's go!' he chanted internally, dashing down to the pub-ish area in the inn.  
  
Sake plus a worried Tasuki...well, let's just say that it's not good.

* * *

Chichiri stood silently, his hand poised above the doorknob. "...Kouran? I-I should probably _tell_ Tasuki, shouldn't I? It's not right to leave him in the dark..." he acknowledged quietly. After pausing for a moment or two more, he gave a shaky nod and lowered his hand to the knob. "There's no time like the present, I guess...no da..." he added, trying to sound confident as he turned the knob and walked out of their room.

Chichiri's heart fell as he noticed the empty bottle of sake next to his friend on the table. 'Oh no...Tasuki-kun's gotten into some sake...' he groaned mentally, 'I guess I'll have to wait 'til later to tell him, na no da. There's no way I'll get through to him after he's consumed this _much_ alcohol, no daaaa...'  
  
Just at that moment, Tasuki looked up and noticed Chichiri who was still standing stationary in the doorway. "Oi, 'Chiri!" he called (even though the monk was only four feet away), "Come on over!"  
  
Chichiri fought the wince that was climbing over his features as he walked over to the table and tentatively sat down. At least there was no one else around that Tasuki could bother... "Uh...Tasuki-kun? Just how much sake did you drink, na no da?" he asked, keeping the annoyance from his voice. 'Why did he get plastered just when I needed to talk to him, no da? Oh...well, I guess that's hardly fair, na no da. He gets drunk all the time regardless of whether or not I need to talk to him... Daaa...' the monk thought tiredly. Maybe he should have just gone to bed...  
  
A puzzled look settled itself on Tasuki's face. "Is somethin' wrong, 'Chiri? You were in there a pretty long time, an' ya still don' look quite right," he said, the concern in his voice masked by the slight slur brought on by the alcohol. Chichiri could still hear it, though, as he had been with Tasuki more than long enough to sort through what the bandit said and did while inebriated. And so he smiled, despite any grievances he might have felt. The worry in Tasuki's eyes was touching, considering how long he'd gone without anyone caring...  
  
"I-iie, Tasuki-kun..." he replied softly, turning his gaze down to the table, his eyes traveling along the grain of the wood. Anything to avoid looking up at his companion.  
  
Tasuki frowned. "Look at me, will ya? I mean, that damn mask keeps me from seeing anything in your eyes, for Suzaku's sake! Why do ya think ya need to fuckin' _hide_ from me all the time? We're the only two left, the least ya can do is _trust_ me!" he growled, his concern hardening into anger and hurt even faster than it usually would due to the sake.  
  
Chichiri sighed and shook his head slightly. "Iie, Tasuki-kun. I can't look you in the eye, I _need_ to hide, and I definitely _can't_ trust you, na no da..." he said softly. After all, it wasn't as if Tasuki would remember this conversation in the morning. He might as well get this off his chest while he had the chance...  
  
"Why _not_, damn it?" Tasuki demanded almost before Chichiri finished his sentence.  
  
Chichiri sighed again and tried to find the right words. "Because you're not forever, Tasuki. You're not," he said flatly. "One day you'll get tired of traveling with a monk six years older than you and you'll go home..." he continued, finally looking up at the man sitting across from him. "And then I'll mourn. No matter what, I'll mourn. But if I don't tell you my troubles, if I don't become any closer to you that I already am...then it'll be that much easier when you're gone..." he stopped talking, his voice whittling down to a whisper and then to nothing.  
  
Tasuki treated Chichiri to a stubborn pout that was absolutely adorable. "I'm not gonna leave ya. I always finish what I start!" he declare defiantly, ignoring the sad shake of the head across the table.  
  
"You say that now, but what about when you start to miss your old friends? What about when you remember what _else_ you started...?" Chichiri responded, his voice barely audible at this point.  
  
Tasuki's mouth opened and shut, making him looking like a fish on the banks, still gasping for water. He tried to think up a suitable argument, a task that would have been much easier had he been entirely sober. "'Chiri, as soon as I was born, I was a Suzaku shichiseishi. I knew that, when the day came, I'd give my life totally an' completely to Suzaku, the priestess...an' the other seishi. We're the only two left, 'Chiri. If for no other reason, we gotta stick together..." Tasuki said softly, silently patting himself on the back for such a great argument.  
  
"But is that the only reason, Tasuki? Because I'm your brother seishi? Tell me this, Tasuki. I know you have sisters. Where are they now?" Chichiri implored.  
  
Tasuki blinked, slightly disconcerted by the sudden change of subject. "I dunno...with their families 'r somethin'?" he asked, more than answered.  
  
Chichiri nodded. "Exactly. See how little familial bonds really mean? From what you've told me, I've gathered that you haven't seen your family in over five years. I'm willing to bet that I'll be forgotten just as they were soon. And I'm preparing myself for that," he explained.  
  
Tasuki shook his head, his mind swirling--partially because of the alcohol and partially because of Chichiri's convoluted logic. "'Chiri...why are we even talkin' about this? Even if y'r right and I _do_ abandon you--which I _won't_--I'm still with ya _now_, aren't I?" he finally managed, pushing his confusion to the back of his mind.  
  
'Because I was fool enough to fall in love with you, and I'm realizing the repercussions...' Chichiri thought tiredly to himself. "...you're right, Tasuki. Let's change the subject... To make conversation, who do you miss the most, no da?" he asked, just then noticing how long it had been since he'd used the tell-tale emphatic.  
  
Tasuki gave Chichiri a dirty look. "That's _not_ changin' the subject!" he accused.  
  
Chichiri shrugged. "Just answer the question, ne?" he pressed. In some morbid respect, he wanted to know just who he was up against.  
  
Tasuki shot him another suspicious look, but it faded as a cloudy, thoughtful look came over his face, a strange mix of drunken contemplation. "I dunno. I mean, Kouji is closer to me than any of my idiot family ever was... But...I think, more than anythin', I miss bein' around Reirei," he finally announced.  
  
Chichiri cocked an eyebrow. "Reirei? I haven't heard you mention that person before, na no da," he said, his curiosity apparent in his voice.  
  
Tasuki smiled a little half-grin. "Reirei was probably the only girl I've ever been around that hasn' made me wanna retch. Except maybe Miaka. Maybe Miaka... Anyway, I'm tellin' ya, she was great. Funny, smart, kind...she kicked ass, too!" he described with a chuckle. "It was no real surprise when half the bandits at the hideout fell for her. She only had eyes for me, though. I think that was part of why she was so important to me. When I was little, ma always had to pay attention to all of us. She couldn't really give any of us any extra care. And when I got to the hideout, it was all for one and one for all. There were friendships, but nothin' too big. Even Kouji had a lot more on his mind than just me. Don' get me wrong, Kouji's great! But his friendship just wasn't on the same level as Reirei's...I dunno, I guess I'd call it _adoration_ 'r' somethin'... It felt nice, ya know? It felt nice to know that someone really cared for me, and just me. That I held someone together, and that they would feel lost without me. I dunno if you've ever felt that total two-way dependence like I did with Reirei...but it'll rock your world if ya ever do..." he finished blissfully. After a second, it seemed to sink into him just how long he'd babbled and he blushed. Blame the slow reflexes on the sake...even though we're starting to wonder if he really had any at all...  
  
Chichiri nodded slowly. 'Great. Just great. He's in love, na no da...' he thought drearily, Tasuki's speech pretty much lost on the semi-despondent monk. He looked up at Tasuki and let that mask-smile do its job. "You must have loved her very much, na no da!" he said sunnily, pushing his selfish thoughts as far back in his head as they'd go.  
  
Tasuki blinked at Chichiri's sudden change in mood, then realized exactly why it had come. "It must be nice for you, also..." he started offhandedly. "To have a mask like that, I mean. I can see how it would come in handy to be able to smile happily and give the right response when someone bears their fuckin' _heart_ to you, ne? That way, you never have to grace someone with a real emotion, I guess. Or would that cut too deep in your carefully prepared barriers?" he finished, his voice darkening into angry sarcasm.  
  
Chichiri physically blanched. Oh so slowly, he asked, "Tasuki...just how much sake have you had, na no da?"  
  
Tasuki just smirked. "Not nearly as much as you assumed."  
  
Chichiri looked down at his hands and winced as he realized that he'd been wringing them unconsciously for some time now. "Maybe I should just go to bed..." he started, but Tasuki cut him off.  
  
"No fuckin' way. You started this. You _will_ finish this," Tasuki said, glaring at Chichiri's face as if the mask would burst into flames just through his hatred for it.  
  
Chichiri took a deep breath. "I guess I did start this, na no da. I'm sorry, Tasuki-kun... I treated you like your emotions were somehow less important and corporeal than mine..." he said softly, then rose from the table. "If you'll excuse me..." he continued, turning to leave.  
  
A firm hand on his wrist prevented him from going more than a couple of feet. "Damn straight. Y'know what, 'Chiri? As much as ya tried to hide from all 'a us, some things _did_ leak through. I know that you're afraid of trustin' people because of what happened with you'n your pals. You forget that I was right there with ya when Hikou showed up. I saw how betrayed ya looked. I'm not _nearly_ as dense as ya think I am, 'Chiri..." Tasuki said sharply.  
  
When Chichiri remained silent and downcast, Tasuki finally sighed and did what he'd been dying to do for the entire conversation. He reached out and pulled the mask from his friend's face, though more gently than he felt like being. He only had to wonder why he'd shown the other man that small kindness for a brief second. The tears streaming down Chichiri's face were more of an answer than he'd ever really needed.  
  
The misery overtaking Chichiri's features was enough to make Tasuki let go and take an unsteady step back. He swallowed hard but then said, "That wasn't the only thing I overheard, either. You really should be more quiet when gossiping with dead fiancées, 'Chiri..." he said quietly, a bit of guilt streaming in as he watched Chichiri's eye widen.  
  
"You...heard me?"  
  
Tasuki had the grace to blush, but didn't say anything. He simply took one of Chichiri's hands gently and tugged him in the direction of the table, almost as a child might. "We need to talk, 'Chiri. Don' run away from me anymore..." Tasuki said softly, a hint of pleading in his voice.  
  
Silently, Chichiri complied, dropping into the chair like a man exhausted. It might have seemed strange to anyone else that Chichiri had given in so easily, but it did not surprise Tasuki in the lease. To him, Chichiri always seemed more innocent without his mask. Maybe it was because the mask was what gave him the confidence to act as wise and world-weary as he usually did. Maybe it was because Chichiri was human under that mask. Or maybe...maybe the gentle Chichiri under the mask had never really been let out enough to grow up. Whatever the reason, looking at the silently crying man before him made Tasuki feel as if he had slapped a young child. Obviously, Chichiri had felt safe and secure as long as he had his plan. As long as he was in control of his feelings and the entire situation in general. But as soon as Tasuki had uttered that one sentence, that control had been stripped from the older man and he was now defenseless... Tasuki knew that he had done even worse than slapping a child. Because at least a child had someone to run home and cry to. Chichiri, on the other hand, had bared a small amount of his soul and had not liked the experience, but he had no one to turn to who would tell him that it was all right. No one to catch him if he made the wrong decision and fell. Instead of the kind, encouraging audience he'd needed from Tasuki, he'd gotten a rough, angry one. And that had sent him teetering down into that feared abyss. Hence the tears.  
  
As Tasuki gazed at Chichiri through guilt (and admittedly _some_ alcohol)-hazed eyes, he forgot that he was Tasuki, the inexperienced, brazen bandit and Chichiri was the kind, wise monk who had haunted his dreams. He forgot how hard he'd tried to give up his crush, knowing that the monk was utterly unobtainable. He even forgot wondering if this had been what Reirei had felt. To put it shortly, he forgot all about his years traveling with Chichiri. All that mattered to him was that there was a broken child in front of him, begging silently for comfort. And so comfort was what he gave.  
  
Without a word of warning, Tasuki managed to pull Chichiri up and slide himself underneath the other seishi in the chair so that Chichiri was sitting in Tasuki's lap, which was overall very comfortable. Chichiri stiffened for a moment, but when Tasuki wrapped his arms around the other man and laid his head on Chichiri's shoulder, he melted into the embrace.  
  
"I'm sorry, 'Chiri. I'm sorry for eavesdropping, an' bein' annoying, an' for bringin' up your past, an' for not listenin', an'--" Tasuki whispered. He continued on listing his faults, but Chichiri had better things to do. He wriggled around in Tasuki's grasp until he could cuddle up in that warm lap and rest his head against Tasuki's chest. Then he started to speak. It too Tasuki a moment to realize this, so quiet were the words, but as soon as he did, he stopped apologizing and started listening.  
  
"This...this is what I meant, Kouran. I needed someone who could hold me and stem my tears...just like Tasuki said, a two-way dependence. With you, it could only be one-way. I depended on you; I _loved_ you...but you're dead. Tasuki is alive...and he's so warm..." Chichiri murmured, burrowing his head deeper into Tasuki's shirt, loving the feeling of his little Tasuki-cocoon. "He may not be forever...but I won't be either if I don't allow myself _some_ times like this..." he continued quietly, his words so muffled that Tasuki had to lean his head down to hear them.  
  
"And...he may not feel the same way I do...but I'll have this memory forever, ne?" he finished, threading his arms around Tasuki's waist and holding him tight.  
  
Tasuki let out a little chuckle. "Not feel the same way? 'Chiri...I mean' what I said earlier. I won't ever leave ya. Not because you're my brother seishi, not because you're wise, an' kind, an' _beautiful_...but because I love ya. An' I always will, even if ya _do_ talk t' your dead girlfriend when I'm tryin' t' have a momen' with ya..." he said with a wry grin, pulling Chichiri a little closer.  
  
Chichiri lifted his head from its current position and gave Tasuki a searching look. "Do you really mean that, Tasuki? Or is this just guilt?" he implored, his brow furrowing slightly. Tasuki looked a little surprised, but then he leaned forward just the little bit needed to bring their lips together.  
  
As Chichiri wound his arms around Tasuki's neck, he decided that this kiss felt very different from the chaste few he had shared with Kouran.  
  
As one of Tasuki's hands ghosted upward to toy with Chichiri's ponytail, he also decided that this was just as good.  
  
However, when Tasuki slipped his tongue into his mouth, Chichiri was forced to amend that last decision. This was definitely better...  
  
All too soon, Tasuki pulled away and smiled slightly to see Chichiri's flushed face. "Now, I dunno about you, but I don' kiss just _anybody_ live that..." he said, smiling even more when Chichiri's eyes widened and a cute blush dance across his cheeks. Quickly, Chichiri brought his head down to Tasuki's shoulder to hide his embarrassment and murmured something almost intelligible.  
  
Tasuki just laughed and gave Chichiri a squeeze. "I love you too, koi." 

After the two lovebirds decided to go to bed, all was silent down where they'd been sitting. Well, almost all. A lone girl threaded her way through the tables until she got to the one she was seeking. She looked from the empty bowl of sake to the discarded mask and smiled slightly. She picked up the slip of paper that had hidden so many emotions and placed it gently in her satchel.  
  
"Good luck, Houjun," she whispered. And with that, she was gone.

* * *

A/N: WHEE! That turned out really badly! :'(

Also, Chichiri may seem uke-y, but I have my own philosophy.

Chichiri is the broken seishi. He tried to glue himself back together, but silly 'Chiri, he only used Elmer's! Everyone knows that Elmer's isn't strong enough! And so our lil monk continues to be very fragile. HOWEVER, Tasuki is the proud owner of SUPER GLUE OF SPIFFYNESS (aka, love), and he's willing to share it with 'Chiri! AWWWW!

And it's obvious that SGoS plus Chichiri equals SUPER SPIFFY CHICHIRI

OK? OK.

PS: I swear to god, I'm almost done with the Subaru chapter of Tanjobi Omedeto.


End file.
